This is going to be a blog post unlike my others. This isn’t about chronic illness or disability. This is about grief.
In May of 2021, the world lost a very bright light. My friend Karn.
I had just seen him in April. Due to COVID, we had only seen each other outside in the past year and a half.
That didn’t matter, we still enjoyed our time together. He would come over to my backyard and we would play on his Switch, or just sit and talk. I often had Cora outside with us. He loved Cora. He loved all animals.
Speaking of animals, last summer we would bike to our local lake. He messaged me one day and asked if I wanted to go with him to feed the ducks. I had no idea of what to bring, but I agreed. He told me he was bringing peas. Ducks love peas, apparently. He brought 2 spoons, one for each of us. We took turns feeding the ducks right out of the spoon. They quickly swarmed us and came right up to us. We were so happy. The serotonin boost you get from feeding ducks frozen peas is unmatched, I highly recommend it.
Karn was an amazing friend. He cared so much. He had the biggest heart of anyone I knew. He was extremely understanding when I had to cancel plans last minute, or couldn’t go biking because of my illness. He would always ask if I wanted him to bring me a tea from Tim Horton’s to make me feel better.
He’s the reason I got my first cane. I was very hesitant to get one, as most young people with disabilities are. Karn wasn’t. He knew I needed one and he insisted I get a cool one, not one you can just get at the drug store.
So it was decided. We made a plan to go downtown Toronto for the day and hit up some thrift stores. We ate at a vegan restaurant (I don’t eat dairy, and he didn’t mind eating vegan food). We then started our adventure and checked out about 3-4 different stores. There weren’t too many canes, we found. Our last stop was an antique store filled to the brim with items. They had a bucket of canes right near the cash. They were all wooden, and some were carved with pretty patterns. I took a look and found one I loved. Karn was ecstatic. I now had a cane for my bad days! I had a cool cane!
We finished off the day by walking to Kensington market and getting vegan ice cream. Again, he didn’t care if food was vegan, he was a good friend and ate whatever I could. That was Karn.
I will forever cherish that day and hold it so close to my heart. When I was unsure of using a mobility aid, he pushed me to get one because he knew I needed it and knew that it didn’t matter that I was young.
I was shocked to hear of the passing of Karn. I was devastated. I wish I knew what he was going through, and could have helped him as much as he helped me. It’s still hard to believe some days. I think of Karn every single day, I hope he knows that.
The day of the funeral, I lit the candle he gave me for my birthday and drank chai tea (his favourite). I tuned in online, due to COVID, and bawled.
Grief is an incredibly difficult subject to talk about and deal with.
We recently had a memorial for Karn, held by his family. It was like a mini high school reunion. We were missing the life of the party. I wish he could have been there, he would have thrived. We talked about Karn, laughed, and cried.
I met his family, his mother, sister, and father. They are the sweetest people. My heart hurts for them every day. I know he watches over them and loves them so much.
I wanted to honour Karn in some way. I couldn’t speak at the memorial, I’m not good at public speaking. That’s why I wanted to write this.
We miss you every single day, Karn. We love you so much. We hope you are at peace.
